Today’s post is a little different than most. It’s a topic that is a little scary for me to write about, but it’s very close to my heart. Many friends of mine in the industry have been through the same struggle I’ve experienced, but so few of them talk about it.
A little disclaimer for this post–it contains references to my religious habits. These references are made to give insight into my story, and are not intended to reflect opinions of #AltDevBlogADay as a whole. I will also state that I do not believe overtime contributed to my divorce. My hope here is to open discussion on how we can help each other in crises.
My Most Difficult Challenge
As I walked in circles at the end of the Venice Beach pier tonight, I tried to think of the most difficult challenges I’ve faced in my career. I’ve always felt it was my duty to share what I learned from my divorce. Unable to shake the idea that I should write about that, I’ve decided to go against the grain and discuss something very emotionally difficult–how my failing marriage affected my work, and what I did to keep from losing my mind.
The brunt of the ugliness around my divorce happened during crunch on Saints Row 2, though it spanned from about a year before that to about a year after. We were in and out of counseling that whole time. Despite all that craziness, I consistently finished my work in high quality while still managing to invest in my marriage and maintain my mental, emotional, and spiritual health. Hopefully my experiences can help others address the way their personal difficulties and work life interact.
What Went Right
Taking Time to Withdraw
My marriage was falling apart, and my work just kept piling up. Bug counts were rising at some kind of hyper-geometric rate, and meanwhile my wife had been slowly withdrawing from the marriage from the day of our wedding. The weight of all this was, at times, unbearable. Occasionally, I would reach places where I knew I wasn’t going to get anything done. I’m more emotional than the average person, so sometimes I’d start to feel negativity creeping up on me while I was working, and it would distract me from my work.
Stepping out of the situation for a few minutes allowed me to address what I was experiencing through prayer and meditation. At the height of it, I remember stepping into the bathroom and hanging my head in my hands and just feeling my guts implode and burn with grief. My cousin and I now jokingly call that kind of day “a Duck Phillips day.” Sometimes you have them, and sometimes all you can do is feel lousy for a bit, which leads me to my next success…
Taking Time to Grieve
My friend Ash once told me that in ancient Jewish tradition, when someone would die, the family of the deceased would simply sit in their home and grieve. Friends would come in and out of the home to be there for them. They didn’t give advice. They didn’t even try to say anything comforting. They were just there. That thought really stuck with me. I’ve found that the only way to relieve emotional pain is to feel it, and sometimes just knowing someone is there for you is enough. By taking time with friends to grieve, it allowed me to spend time at work with minimal grief-related interruptions.
Call it luck, call it blessing, call it providence, but whatever you call it, this had little to do with me. When you’re going through a crisis, you need friends. You’ll make new friends. You’ll call up old friends. People you don’t know well will offer help, and that’s okay! Don’t be afraid to be someone’s charity case–you need help and they want to help. I don’t think that’s such a despicable thing–though it is humbling. Maybe they know something you don’t. Regardless, I would advise you to consider what you know of the person; not everyone’s advice is good.
Another element of this was staying plugged into a healthy social group. I was involved with a new “small group” (basically a Bible study with prayer time and some hang-out time) led by my close friend, Ash. During prayer time, he and I would walk around the block, and I would get angry, or sad, or frustrated, and he would listen and pray simple, frustrated prayers with me. I shared less with the larger group, but they were there for me when I needed them, and that was such a huge blessing.
Making my Marriage a Priority
Most people won’t tell you that your work is a priority over your marriage, but that’s a much easier thing to say than it is to make policy. It’s been said that you don’t find time, you make it. If you’re having marriage trouble, make time for your wife (or husband). If you can’t make it home for dinner, maybe she can join you at a restaurant near work from time to time. It’s not just about time either. Find ways to show her that just because you’re at work doesn’t mean you’ve forgotten her. Call her during a break, send her flowers, a text from time to time–anything is better than nothing.
Sharing My Struggle
Even a year or so after the divorce, most of my coworkers didn’t realize I’d had any marriage trouble, let alone a divorce. I quietly took down my photos of my wife after everyone had gone home one night. I found out one day that several of the men in my room had been through divorces and marriage crises, and some were even currently going through them, so I told them my story.
Everybody dealt with their situations a little differently. Common threads, though, were alcoholism and “workaholism.” Most game developers love what they do, and it can be a welcome distraction when they feel they’ve got nowhere else to go. If you see someone working late hours, and maybe they seem to be going for the liquid solution a little more often than usual, they may need someone to talk to. Don’t be pushy, just offer an open ear. If they don’t want to talk, that’s fine–they now know you’ll listen. Also, even if you heard something, don’t assume you know what’s going on–just ask.
What Went Wrong
Keeping it too Quiet
On two occasions, I left work early (that is, around the 8-hour mark) to address home issues. On one occasion, I was having a very difficult heart-to-heart with my wife and got a call from a manager asking where I was. I had told another manager that I wasn’t feeling well and felt the need to go home, so I repeated that same lie. On another occasion (the week my wife left), I told my boss I was sick and needed to go home to recoup. A friend and mentor called me and asked if going to a movie might help me feel better, so we went to see The Dark Knight (which is a terrible movie to see when you’re depressed, it turns out). There are only 2 full-sized movie theaters in Champaign-Urbana. Naturally, I ran into a coworker and had a nice, awkward moment…”glad you’re feeling better!”
Had I gone to a manager I trusted and disclosed a little about the situation I was in, I think I could have handled both of those situations better.
Despite all my efforts to stay emotionally, spiritually, and mentally healthy, my physical health did slip during this time. I put on about 30 lbs over the course of a year or so, ate a lot of junk food, and spent little time engaging in physical activity. To address this, I later introduced a 15-minute afternoon run a few times a week and stopped drinking from the soda fountain at work. The weight came back off pretty quickly.
Pass it On
I’m no trained counselor, but I’ve had coworkers and friends alike come to me to ask for my perspective on relationships, divorce, infidelity, and other related topics. I’m happy to help wherever I can. If you’ve gone through something difficult, don’t be ashamed. Look for people who can benefit from your experience.